ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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