she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
