Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
