Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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