How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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