This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
