fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
