It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
