Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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