someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
