i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
