YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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