At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
