I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
