If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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