so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
