We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
