Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
BRING THE BAGELS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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