Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
