If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
