they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
