you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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