I can text with my tongue
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
