Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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