Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
