i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
