I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
