im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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