New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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