The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That accounts for only three of the penises
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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