So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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