I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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