I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
