just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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