it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
