I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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