im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
