you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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