how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
