I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
