Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
