Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
