you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
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