If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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