You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
