Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my being single is dangerous.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize