I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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