It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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