U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
