made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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