U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
