I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
