I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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