Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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