Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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