My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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