i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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