The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
