I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
