Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
